There is something deep within me, that cannot stand peace, quiet, sameness. This little beast within me lives to incite change, shake things up, stir the pot. Why is this? What is the deep rooted part of me that at my heart can’t sit still? Can’t enjoy a lazy Sunday afternoon at home without anything to do? Needs to eat, buy, go, move, do? I do not understand this need, and I do not know how to stop it or what causes it.
Ironically, I’m incredibly lazy. Its my mind that seems to need the activity, not my body. My body gets unwillingly dragged along for the ride, used to the pull and draw of something new, something sparkly to keep my brain happy.
If I have food, I eat it.
If I don’t have food, I go get some.
If I have money, I spend it.
If I don’t have money, I figure out how to get some.
If I’m bored at work, I plot a change.
If I am worried at work, I play out all the scenarios to be prepared for any eventuality.
I’m like a CPU that is always running a bunch of unnecessary background processes and programs, keeping the computer running high and hot, without anything productive to show for it.
I don’t know what caused the patterns to form. I don’t know what will satisfy this truly, because clearly food, money and upheaval aren’t doing it.
Why? What will help? I know I’m not the only one. Whatever is beneath all these symptoms and behaviors won’t stop until I fix whatever “it” is.
I am musing all this as I try to consider the true motivations under a current change I’m considering. Am I considering this change because of the monster within, or because there is a truly legitimate need for change?
How do I figure out WHY I behave this way? Do I need to figure out why? How do I tell what is a legitimate need versus what is a need created by the monster?