A Change Anything Activity

here is an activity I was asked to do that I hope will help me get over the problems of snacking at night.  It is my biggest biggest danger area by FAR.

Take a minute and write down all the behaviors you do during this crucial moment that you know you shouldn’t

• I eat sweet or salty snacks available in the house.
• I go out and purchase sweet or salty snacks if they are not available in the house.
• I ask family members to go out and purchase snacks for me.
• I take the snacks upstairs to bed and play on the computer while I eat them.
• Sometimes i don’t keep perfect track of how much of it I have eaten.

– Then next to each one, jot down why they make you feel good (or why you do them)

I eat sweet or salty snacks available in the house.

I am honestly not sure why I want to eat the snacks. I’m rarely hungry. It satisfies my sweet (or salty) tooth.  It calms me down and relaxes me.  It gives me something to do.

I go out and purchase sweet or salty snacks if they are not available in the house.

I like planning and purchasing snacks. It gives me something to do.

I ask family members to go out and purchase snacks for me.

I like it if I don’t have to go out and buy them, I can just sit and watch TV or play on the computer until they come back.  Sometimes my husband likes to get his snacks too and then we eat together.

I take the snacks upstairs to bed and play on the computer while I eat them.

Its sort of like a slumber party.  I do something I like and eat the snacks.  Sometimes my husband eats his snacks too and we watch TV together.

Successful changers find alternate activities that also make them feel good, but are more healthy such as “going for a 15 minute walk” instead of “watching TV.”

– For the last step, brainstorm a list of things that might be better alternatives. Then tonight, when you are tempted to do an unhealthy normal behavior, try a new one.

I could eat a healthier snack.

I could knit or crochet to keep myself busy.

I could go on a walk, but often its hard with all the kids to get away, and right now its really hot outside still at night.

I could blog or get on twitter and talk about it and get support.

I could read a book that will encourage me to do something different.

I could do an activity with one of my kids.

I could get something done around the house (cleaning, prep)

 

So, I have not actually DONE this yet, tried alternate behaviors.  I have in the past, but have again fallen into the trap of this behavior.  It is like a bone-deep, soul deep behavior that I don’t understand. I like to eat snacks at night.  I don’t like to do some of the things other people might say, like take a bath (not a fan) and its like there are all sorts of behaviors and barriers are all tied up in this situation.  I’m probably making it more difficult than it really is.  Maybe I need to just try it and see.  Its like I just get this “itch” about an hour or two after dinner to get my snack on.  And my mind won’t let it go until I scratch the itch, either with eating or with shopping, my two go-to behaviors.

A bad day, low iron and identifying triggers

So this is all feeling rather like a big pile of spaghetti noodles to sort out.  Today was a really strange day.  It is the first day that I would say I willfully broke most of my eating guidelines and just kept going.  I also didn’t exercise.  I am trying to figure out why.  Possible reasons:

• WLS Honeymoon is over?
• Hubby was home and I just wanted to be like old days in having fun with him
• Onederland is close and some part of me is not ready?
• TOM?
• Stress from some source I can’t really identify as a trigger?

What I can say is good about it is, despite how crap my eating was, I still logged it.  The temptation to just “skip” logging the bad stuff I ate and say I’ll start over tomorrow was very strong.  But I didn’t.  Its out there in all its shameful glory.

I know I recognize this sort of feeling.  I felt disconnected today, not with it.  I felt like I was somehow not a WLS post op.  I just wanted to do what I wanted to do, eat what i wanted to eat, and pretend like life was like it used to be.

So I can see I did this, but I can’t really FEEL that any of the reasons above is a legitimate “oh yes, that’s absolutely it” source for why I did what I did.

So I guess, more musing is required to see if I am ever able to overcome my “trigger blindness” that I seem to have.

I also got a call from the doc and learned that my iron level in my 3 month post op blood work was low, it was 24 and should have been in the range of 50-150.  So I had to go out tonight and get an iron supplement. I am not sure how soon it will help.

Well, I won’t say “back to it tomorrow” because really, its back to today.  In the next minute, i can choose to make better choices than I made in the last minute.

6 week post op, Groundhog day, awash in behavior change options

Well, yesterday I was officially six weeks post-op. I am really surprised how fast the time went. The time sure CRAWLED to get to the surgery date and through the liquids phases of the post-op diet. At this point, I basically feel like me again. I don’t have any tenderness in my tummy, my energy level is pretty much back to normal, and I am allowed to have a full range of diet options. What does all that mean? It means I feel like I am teetering on the edge of my own personal possibility of groundhog day, of either spring coming early, or an interminable stretch of time ahead of me where I continue to battle darkness, personal choices and challenges. I want spring to come early for myself, and with it the possibility of change, new behaviors and new hope. I want spring to come and bring me new confidence, increased self-esteem and higher belief in myself that I can change my behaviors, tiny steps at at time, to develop a new normal.

This surgery is sooo not about the physical and mechanical aspects of all of this. I keep thinking of other analogies in life and none of them quite work but have parts that resonate. At first I thought, its like declaring bankruptcy. But that is long before I realized the truth of the matter about weight loss surgery, about how the day of surgery is really just the beginning of hard work. Up until the last while, I realized that even a part of me felt I was taking “the easy way” out. But this is not the easy way out. Just because my stomach is smaller doesn’t change my personality, my habits, my behaviors. It is easier to stick to the post-op diet in the early phases, ironically. Honest to god, I do think its like the “rehab” equivalent for a drug or alcohol addict. The radical change in behavior, supervised medically, to ensure you don’t hurt yourself and have a chance at a do over. You don’t feel like yourself, you feel very “medical”, you fear complications if you choose the wrong behavior. But I can see that as the medicalness fades, and the risk of complications decreases over time, its just me out there. Me and the things I choose to do next to make my life different than it was before.

I started with a therapist locally last week, and I was given two homework assignments. “Stay in Today” and think about what triggers me to eat. The first assignment is better for me right now, because I can do that. I know that I have the tendency to spend my life thinking about everything but the day in front of me, and making today the best day I can make it. Imagine what the world would be like if you lived each day just focused on today? Trying to do what I can, just in the day, to make it good. After many of those days, the past starts to become easier to look back on, and the future starts to potentially become something less to worry about, if you’re taking care of each day, one at a time. I know this cognitively, but it is hard to change the behavior of daydreaming about tomorrow, in particular. When I pay off this bill I can….when I get my tax refund I can….when I weigh 199 I will….when I am a size 14 I will….What a shame that I have been living my life in suspended animation, always holding off the good stuff for later. What is going to be good about today? What is going to be good about today for you? Think about that. Because that is at the core of this thing, I think.

The thinking about what triggers me to eat is much harder, particularly because I’m post-op and everything just feels kind of different right now, if that makes any sense. I think because i have gone through my six week rehab, whatever triggers there are aren’t working the same way on me, so its hard to pinpoint what they are. I did identify the ones about travel back in October or whenever that was, for sure. So that was good, but in day to day life, I’m not necessarily seeing it. I know that at the end of a work day, I can feel pretty mentally wiped out and lazy, and that its easy just to succumb to going out. That is still true, and we eat out a lot, even now, post-op, but I am able to make good choices still when I am out. It is easier now that I have a wider choice on the menu. When i was in liquids or softs, I felt pretty pissy about eating only what I could eat. Now I feel pretty happy that I can eat a good portion of protein and try some tastes of other things. My worry is, its a slippery slope? Do I valiantly NOT have any tastes of other things, to avoid sliding down the slope, or is it better to have the tastes and get some joy out of it, so that I don’t take a nosedive off the top of the slope at some point? My guess is, that answer is different for everyone, and we have to find that truth within ourselves. Shit, I hate that answer. 🙂

Another thing we talked about was fear being at the base of a lot of behaviors like addictions (and i consider that I have a food addiction) And she mentioned that for a lot of people with issues with food and money, that fear of lack is at the core of it. I haven’t been magically been able to put my finger on the reasons I am the way I am. Its like an elephant in the room that I truly can’t see. I know certain truths about my past that I can logically see have probably influenced my life, but I haven’t had that big “a-ha” moment that I feel like I should have.

I am working so hard right now on amassing my knowledge around behavior change. I am a researcher my nature, I love to know about stuff, and why it works. So that is pretty time consuming. I can’t blindly follow one methodology either, so I am in the midst of learning about several, including The Beck Diet Solution, Change Anything, and Tiny Habits. Honestly they all support each other, and have different steps to approaching the same thing, which is behavior change. I like comparing them and taking different ideas from them, but at the moment I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by it all. I wish God would just knock on my head and say, “here, this is the way, you’re making this way too complicated.” But honestly, I feel that I have to practice some critical new skills that come out of these methods to get to the other side and see it get easier. One of the things I liked hearing about in Change Anything is this idea of “being a scientist” — to try different approaches and after you try them, look at them to see why they worked or did not work. This is something that honestly happens in my work life all the time, so why this should be so novel to me in my personal life is kind of ridiculous, but I like the idea of framing that way. Because again, it takes out the “that was a failure, therefore, I am a failure.” thought process. It makes all of this an experiment to see what works and what doesn’t, and then a matter of assembling those things that work and figuring out how to hang them together to make a total program of change.

I have joined an accountability group for six weeks with Tracy from mytinytank.net and some other lovely ladies that hopefully will join us as we go along. The idea is to commit to a single thing we want to make a change around and be accountable to each other to report our progress, our successes and our challenges. We have a once a week brief call to report on this, and are free to reach out to the other members durign the week to ask for support at crucial moments or victories. I like this! I think two elements I’ve avoided in past attempts to change behavior is social support and exercise. So therefore, these are two areas I am focusing on the most right now to help with setting in new habits.

Phew. That was soapboxy. Thanks for reading.

Two weeks post op

I think my body has finally let go of its death grip on every calorie I’m eating.  The scale is starting to move.  I wish it had started to move sooner, but hey, I’ll take it. 

Yesterday, one of my incisions’ steristrips came undone after shower, and this AM, I sat down and noticed something felt weird.  The incision is gaping on one side just at the skin level. Boo.  No infection or draining, just peeled apart a little bit, about 1/4 of an inch.  I called the doc’s office, they told me to go get wound closure strips and put it back together.  So that is what I did.  I hope it heals correctly!

Today was also my first day back at work, at least a partial day, about 6 hours.  It went fine.  I am lucky enough to be able to work from home as much as i want.  In fact, most all of my team, spread all across the country, works from home.  I actually do usually go into the office three days a week, to see other humans and feel connected somewhat to my employer.  I don’t actually work with any of the people I sit with, so its kind of weird, but I sit just down the hall from my brother, so that is cool, since he is a cool brother.  😀

generally I feel better each day, still have twinges and pains now and then, and have difficulty bending down to pick stuff up off floor.  I was able to take my longest walk yet, and no nap.  So a red letter day, I guess 😉  As far as what is going on recovery wise — still on full liquids until next Wednesday, when I start 3 weeks of soft foods.  Have settled into a sort of general routine that gets me about 600 calories a day, and 70 grams of protein, and all my water so that is good.  one nice thing about working at home is that it is easier to manage all this stuff from home.

I am doing lots of reading about other activities for self soothing rather than food, and also trying to meditate more.  its helpful.  Meditating, reading, and knitting are saving activities right now.

I had a good time yesterday calling into my first WLS support conference call with Tracy Stevenson of mytinytank.net, mandapanda and squeeziemama.  It was good to talk with others who have been down this road and learn from them.  The topic was non scale victories, and I am happy to say I’ve already seen some of these.  It got me to thinking about all the things that led up to me finally deciding on WLS:

1.  Trip to DisneyWorld in July.  For a morbidly obese person, that should be ’nuff said.  I was chafing and miserable, but still enjoyed the park.  I had to make a run to walmart to buy leggings that would keep my legs from rubbing together under shorts.  Just what a fat sweating lady needed, is an additional later of clothing. Each night, I would have to peel down to undies, use a chafing ointment and lay in the bed just trying to recover from the pain.  I had ordered some moisture wicking type shirts and packed them in their packages right into my bag.  One was a columbia size 3x, andI was so disgusted that it didn’t fit, it was gapping open and tight, I couldn’t wear it.  I wore it two days ago — it was loose.  That was an awesome NSV.

2. Traveling frequently — having to ask for a seatbelt extender each time I got on a plane.  I am sure that the next time I get on a plane, I won’t need one!  I barely needed it, but i bet now I won’t need it — NSV to come!

3.  In september — broke one of our dining chairs sitting on it.  Yes. you heard me.  I was so mad and embarrassed.  No NSV to match that, except to say that most chairs have a 250 lb limit, and I am now under that, so feeling safer.  You just haven’t lived until you’ve BROKEN something you were trying to sit on.

4.  I am getting my waist back!  Up until about the 240 lbs mark, I am lucky enough to still have a waist.  I haven’t had a waist for a LONG time.  But my hubby noticed that I once again have a waist that goes in instead of just being straight down. That makes me feel more womanly. 

Ok, so that is all I can think of at the moment! 

One last thing, spare some prayers for my BFF.  She just let me know that her dad is in critical condition and they are likely going to have to make the terrible decision to take him off life support within the next day or so. I am so sad for her, and for him.  Prayers going up for Denny.

1 Week Post Op, How did I get so fat musings?

Well, I had my first week post op visit, it was pretty uneventful.  I had my staples removed, and the PA put on steri-strips.  Got a prescription for actigall, which I am supposed to start taking one month post op to protect my gallbladder.  Wish he had just pulled the darn thing at the same time 🙂  I only lost 2 lbs according to them, but my my home scale says I lost 6.  I think its somewhere inbetween.  I was wearing jeans and a sweater because I was cold, and that is a lot more than I’ve had on at past weigh ins.  Not exactly the huge amount I would have hoped for for having spent a whole week on clear liquids consuming less than 250 calories a day.  Hmm.  But I know it will start coming off.

So how am I feeling?  Pretty good!  I’m off the heavy duty pain meds, as of yesterday.  I still have twinges and pulls in my incisions, particularly when getting up, but I am walking about 5k steps a day so that is probably ok.  I need to gradually start increasing the walking.  I have not experienced any nausea or acid issues or vomiting or any of that stuff <knock wood>  I have had some things that kind of didn’t like going down, but the feeling passed quickly.  I do have a headache this afternoon, but all in all, not bad.  I miss my friend Advil, because that works so much better for me than Tylenol.  Boo.  My incisions all look good.  One was getting irritated, the top middle one, from my bra rubbing against the staples, but its much better now that all the staples are out.  The worst one is on the far right side, which is opposite of what most people say.  My doc said he does all the hard work through the one on the right because he gets a better angle on the stapler.

I was telling a fellow VSG buddy, FavoredOne, that I have this little stinkin’ thinkin’ thought that I will be the one person for whom sleeve doesn’t work, right?  Doesn’t everyone have these thoughts?   I have to step back and look at it and try to break it down.  I came home from the hospital having lost a bit, so its not that.  I spent a week on clear liquids with less than 250 calories a day.  I got in all my fluids and protein each day.  I did what I was supposed to do.  So I just have to wait and see, the weight has to come off sometime, right?

I started full liquids yesterday, and it is a lot better.  first day out, I went to P.F. Changs and got my favorite, hot and sour soup, and they blended it for me.  1 7 oz serving has 80 calories, 3 g fat, 9 g carbs and 7 g protein.  I love it.  I got the large bowl, and just measure myself out a small portion for lunch and dinner. One bowl that cost $5.95 will last me about….6-8 meals?  Amazing.  It fills me up really quickly.

I will admit to a couple of cheats and really weird behaviors.  I let two cella liquid center cherries melt in my mouth slowly on christmas day, and spit out the cherry itself.  I also had one tiny piece of potato chip and ground it to bits and let it go down with a drink of water.  then the weird(er) stuff.   I have chewed up some things that I liked, and spit them back out and rinse my mouth out with water after each bite.  I just wanted the taste and the sensation of chewing.  I can’t be the only person ever to do that. I know its stupid, but….I figure its better than actually eating it.  B

I find it interesting how different the advice on post-op diets are.  I am a member of verticalsleevetalk.com, and there is such a continuum.  I talk to people who are on clears for 14 days.  I talk to people released from the hospital on full liquids, and one who was released from the hospital on soft foods! FOr myself, I have 1 week of clears, 2 weeks of full, 3 weeks of soft and then by week 6 resuming to normal diet.

I read a great memoir last night, called ‘Designated Fat Girl” by Jennifer Joyner (jenniferjoyner.com) and it was really interesting, so many of the ways she described her food addiction, her thinking, her rationalization, her food binge choices mirror me.   It was a quick read and made me think.  She describes these behaviors as self-destructive.  which, ultimately, eating the way I have for all these years, is destructive.  I also have at least one other fairly socially accepted addiction that is self destructive, but I don’t make the link between why I have done what I have done/do what I do and wanting subconsciously self-destructive.  I just don’t get what my reasons for doing what I do are.  I don’t get it.  i have spent time in 12 step groups, but havent’ had a great enlightenment.  When does that come?

Yes, I have sexual abuse or molestation or whatever you might call what happened to me between ages 4-5, but on the scale of how bad those things can be, mine wasn’t as bad.  I have talked about it in therapy, I know its not my fault.

I always FELT fat.  When I was a kid, I was a little chubby, but not overweight.  teenage years as I shot up and was active in school stuff, I thinned out.  When I started college, I had an extremely obese roommate, and I think apart from major personality issues (she thought it was ok to have a 1.x GPA and never go to class, I was a “square” who had a 4.0 GPA that first year)  I think I was scared to look at her to know what I could (and have) become, as I already could binge like no one’s business.  That year, I didn’t gain the freshman 15, I lost about 10 lbs, because every time I would see her in our room, binging, often on my food, it disgusted me and I would go to the gym to exercise or run out on the trails.  I got married after my freshman year weighing 132 lbs and in a size 9, and still imagined that I was a fat girl.  What I would give to weigh that now!

My weight started to balloon up after I got married.  About a year after I had been married, I went to weight watchers for the first time.  I weighed 152 at that point (still, would kill to weigh that)  I gradually just gained and gained and gained.  A lot of people assume I can blame my weight on all the babies.  But nope. I was 250 before I got pregnant with my first, and have been bouncing up and down from that point for 15 years.

So I guess I am supposed to figure out why I do this.  I’m not sure, is it necessary to know why?  Will that keep me from doing it in the future or at least understanding it more?

Post Op Day 3

 I really have had a pretty good first few days, relatively speaking. 

I had a NICE full night of sleep last night, waking up only to take my pain meds to keep ahead of the pain, and that was FABULOUS. I woke up feeling tons better. I know by night time I will not be feeling so great if my past experience with c-sections holds true, but I’ll take how i feel right now. This is great. In general, I have tolerated liquids great, not had any nausea, had lots of bloating and gas pain and referred pain through yesterday from the CO2, but all in all doable.

I walked 6200 steps yesterday with my small walks around the block with hubby or son. Which, ironically is more steps than I was getting in on average pre-op. LOL. Small walks add up if you do them regularly (lightbulb moment, duh)

I really don’t WANT anything to eat. but it is hard to see the commercials on TV for yummy things and to smell the foods other people are eating in the house. Hubby has felt bad and I told him, he needs to eat and he shouldn’t feel guilty about that!

My hubby has been GREAT. He always is. So helpful and uncomplaining, he is the best. He’s very supportive. He has a difficult time sleeping when I am not there, so although I would have preferred sleeping in the recliner, I slept in our bed so that he could get some good sleep. with the incline in my bed because of pre-op reflux and a stack of pillows, it worked out quite well. I slept great.

The only really bad thing that has happened was that my two year old was sitting on the lower part of the recliner I was sitting on last night, and although I had a pillow protecting my tummy, at one point he suddenly turned and wanted to lift himself up and of course somehow shoved his little hand UNDER the pillow, and shoved all his weight right on the most tender site to hoist himself….OMG. I cried. I couldn’t help it. That hurt.

One thing, I don’t know if its the meds, the wear off of anesthesia or what, but my sleep is heavy and my dreams are vivid and crazy. the last dream of the night I dreamed that I “accidentally” ate beef stroganoff and noodles during the post op clear liquid stage and was sitting there horrified wondering what was going to happen to me. It seemed SOOOO real, I woke up sure I had accidentally done that.

Also, although i was pumped full of liquids, I’ve been able to clear them adequately and I’m not really water bloated, and I would say that is confirmed by the fact that I’ve lost a few pounds since surgery when I weighed myself this AM. I was expecting to have gained some water weight.

Why I hate flying…or, a lesson in humiliation

I need to write this out instead of eat in response to it.  There, finally, I think I wonder.  I say I eat more when I travel because i’m bored, but I sorta wonder.  Do I eat because the act of plane travel is so humiliating that I seek some sort of reward for going through it?  I don’t know, its some of both, trying to keep myself busy, trying not to be lonely in a new city, what have you.

So the backstory….

I moved to a new employer (I work in high tech, I’m a geek) in May.  With the job change came an expectation of fairly regular travel.  My husband and I talked through the impact of this on our family, what we would need to do to make 25% travel ok for him.  With 4 kids, this was a serious consideration.  Ultimately, while I don’t often ask for permission in much of anything in my life, I knew that this was a choice that we had to be together on, lest it cause big problems.  Anyway, we are.  So fastforward to all of this traveling.  Through the course of the first 3 months on the job, I put on 15 lbs.  I attribute this to two things — onsite cafeteria and travel eating.   This gain of 15 lbs finally put me at a point this summer where I had my first experience of a plane seat belt not fitting.  And that began my journey toward weight loss surgery.

Fastforward to today.

Travel, travel, what do I hate about thee? Absolutely fucking everything.  It begins just mobilizing to get ready.  As a representative of my company, I need to look put together going into client’s offices.  Do you know how hard it is to look put together on a budget when you are plus size between size 24/26? Things look fucking shitty on you.  You either look like an old lady, or you look like a plus sized slut. Just going through the possible combinations of clothing that might be suitable actually, physically makes me sweat.  I am not joking.  So I finally get the bag packed and set my alarm for the crack of dawn this morning.

Then comes the airport.  The first offronts come at security.  First is needing to pull out that stupid  CPAP machine, one more stupid thing to do at security and one more reminder of the impact that my weight has on my life.  then I go through that stupid total body scanner, just trying to pretend not to imagine what my body image must look like to someone looking at that screen.  Then try to hustle myself through repacking everything all up, and rush to the gate.  By the time I get to the gate, I’m sweating, because, that is how it is for me, anyway.  I can’t bear to travel in work appropriate attire because of comfort, so I dress like a slob and feel like that fat slob that everyone is just hoping they don’t have to sit next to.

I actually pay extra to buy “Choice seats” to have more room to maneuver on the plane, because i’ve learned that if I don’t buy those seats, the stupid tray doesn’t even come down all the over my gut, or else I have to shove it under my belly so it is cutting into me.  Everything about the airport and standing in lines and getting on planes makes me feel my size.  Spaces are small, people in close proximity. I worry that I smell bad, despite having taken a shower this AM.

I get on the plane, thankful for my 360 rolling bag, because that, at least, has made getting on the plane a little easier.  Its bad enough when you are wider than the walkway, but when you are wider and your bag is constantly getting caught on things, it only adds to the spectacle you feel like you are creating.

Get to my seat, and think, well this isn’t right, on the plane seat map choice it didn’t show this as a bulk head seat.  But indeed it is.  I had to settle for a window seat, which i typically hate because I feel so big in them.  I usually try to go for aisle.  The exit door actually juts out about 8 inches, so I have a difficult time getting into my seat.  I have a few instances of having to get up and get things that I will need on the flight because I don’t have storage under the seat in front of me.  Grr.  I grab out my brand new seat belt extender, happy I have it and don’t have to ask for one, but just spend the whole flight vastly uncomfortable. I twist myself around funny to try to be smaller and not overlap into the guy next to me.  Everytime I move my arms, I worry I’m annoying him.  When I get up (and in this case its actually better I guess because of bulkhead, they don’t all have to get up, but (and this is TMI) I worry about whether my butt is in their face and whether I stink.  All the sweating to get to the planes, the tension caused by getting seated got me overheated and sweaty again, I feel gross and imagine I must smell. Not sure that is true, but that is how I feel.

Get off the planes finally, relieved to have some breathing room.  Get down to book a shuttle, and realize that I have left my fucking brand new extender on the fucking plane.  Fuckity fuck fuck.

Shuttle is another exercise in embarrassment.  All the front seats are filled have to try to squeeze my way into the far back.  I am of course, the one who has to get out first, too, and shove past everyone again.  And then the step down from the shuttle, I have to do some weird maneuvering because I am big and also because my knees are unstable and its hard for me to bend them…hard to explain, but getting out higher up vehicles with multiple running boards = awkward.

Get to the hotel, relieved to be able to relax.  Realize that I have left one of my standard toiletry bags at home. Fuckity fuck fuck again.  Have to figure out where the nearest drug store is,  walk .3 miles down there, buy $50 worth of stuff I already have, and then find a place to have dinner.  End up going to subway because the places I had scoped out to go into look all intimate and I feel like everyone in the whole place would look up when I walk in all alone.  So instead I go to subway, and have a shitty 6″ sub and sun chips.   Definitely not the worst thing I could have done, but also has bread (a nono for me at this point) and the chips.  I seriously debate with myself to go back to the drug store a few stores down and get some chocolate and snacks to take back to the hotel room with me, which is my normal modus operandi.  I seriously waver at the door, wanting desperately to turn toward the store, but instead point myself in the direction of the hotel, feeling pissy the whole way.

Get back to the hotel and try to clean up, because the rest of my team has arrived and we are meeting at the bar.  I feel obligated to have some wine and “fit in” so I have two glasses.  I come back up to the hotel room at 10:30, and want desperately to go get some snacks again.  And so I started writing this instead.  I still want snacks. I still am not sure I won’t go get my clothes back on and go get something.  😦

 

ETA:  So lets try to turn this around….so MAYBE next year this time, I won’t feel this way?  Maybe I will be more fit and won’t work up a sweat just getting myself on an airplane.  maybe I’ll be able to sit comfortably in a plane seat, and not need an extender.  Maybe I will be able to make better food choices when I travel.  I DID actually make some better choices today than I normally would.  A normal day would start out with a full breakfast at McDs at the home airport (sausage mcgriddle, hashbrown, diet coke.)  I did still have mcd’s, but i had the egg mcmuffin and no hashbrown and a diet coke.  Normally, then, at the layover, I would get a snack.  I didn’t.  On the plane, I would take the box with all the chips and cookies.  I didn’t, I chose the fruit/cheese plate and water.  Normally, when I get to the hotel, I would pick out a restaurant and “treat” myself to something decadent.  I didn’t.  I had subways.  Normally, I would find snacks to eat for late night.  I didn’t.  I am sitting here pissy instead.  😀

Am I an emotional eater?

I saw a great post on emotional eating today shared by a twitter friend and really felt like I identified with it, but then I started thinking about it.  I clearly have a problem with food, but I was not able to identify any emotions that I felt like I was stuffing.  Is that denial?  I mainly use food as an anecdote to boredom, as entertainment and as a reward.  I know these are bad things indeed, but  its not like I can dig to identify a stressor and see that I ate in response to that stressor.  I am having difficulty trying to sort out if any feelings beyond boredom and entertainment are involved.  I break my behaviors around eating into habits/rituals and boredom relief.

A request of my my non morbidly obese friends who may read this, please don’t hate me. I put all of this out there with great trepidation.

First -habits.

For a long long time, I had a terrible ingrained habit of stopping through the McDonalds drive through every morning for a sausage mcgriddle or egg mcmuffin and hash browns and a large diet coke.  since I’ve changed where I work, the mcdonalds is no longer on my way, and because I’m ultimately a huge lazy ass, my morning visits have been minimal.  While my kids were out of school for the summer, we did go into mcds on days I worked from home, but now that they are back in school, my visits to McD’s this month might have been 1-2, when up through May, I typically ate breakfast and lunch at McDs (I know, horrible…).  In summer, I went twice a week, sometimes still breakfast and lunch, but still dramatically less.  I think it was toward the end of the summer when the cashier innocently mentioned about me being one of her “regulars.”  She of course meant that in a nice way, but it hit me in the stomach.  Yuck, I don’t want to be known as a regular at McDonalds.   Now in the last month, only 1-2 times total.  I have a cafeteria where I work now, so its a lot easier for me to either get two hardboiled eggs and maybe some ham or bacon and be good.

2nd habit — Dinner out.  I get done with work, and have run out of steam.  Dinner out is a soothing ritual where I get to sit down and have someone else take care of me and wait on me.  That is a huge part of the appeal.  I don’t have to clean up, I don’t have to come up with ideas for what to eat.  This is still an active habit.  In the last month, I’ve changed where and what I am eating, but I am still eating out.  I have had a couple of really shitty eating out experiences since I’ve changed what I’m trying to eat.  I’ve learned that at some places, it is incredibly difficult to find low carb choices.  I also have found out that some of the places I considered my nemesis (buffets) are actually easier for me right now when doing low carb.  They offer a wide variety of choices, still a lot of shit, but at one local place, I can get a steak made to order, have roasted chicken, have fish, have seafood with no sauce.  A huge salad bar.  As long as I can keep myself from eating the bad shit, I walk away a lot happier.   Places that SUCK to me are breakfast restaurants, particularly when everyone else in your family is enjoying a nice stack o’ flapjacks. 

Bedtime binges

I would say that at bedtime is the time I am most susceptible to a binge. The kids are all in bed, honey and I have some alone time….and you think this is going to get dirty?  Not the way you think.   I don’t binge like I used to when younger, but this bedtime dangerous hour is when I do if I am going to do it.  Pre all this, it would not be unusual for me or hubby to go out and get an assortment of snacks, fun size candy bars, pringles, nuts, chips, etc.  We ‘d stack them between us and graze on this stuff while watching tv, downing a couple of diet cokes with it.  DH is of normal size and quite active, and he really would eat less than I do during those sessions. In the lats month, those sessions have dwindled, and if there is one, they are comprised of different things — turkey jerky and almonds have been popular, or a couple of nights ago I made kind of an trailer trash antipasti plate with salami, cheese, pickles and pepperoncinis.  Portions are a lot more limited.

2nd category — rewards and boredom

One example of reward eating I can think of, i guess maybe does relate to stress. maybe, but I still link it more to boredom.  When I am travelling, which is a lot more frequently now, on the plane or at the layover airport, it has been a common practice for me to eat my way through the flight to keep myself entertained.  I buy the snack box on the plane, (the cheese/fruit/cracker plate being my favorite)  Then at the airport, I find the food court and get a meal to help pass the time. 

Another example might be the afternoon vending machine run.  This often would result in a candy bar purchase (or sometimes even two).  Lately, I’ve cut down my runs to 1-2 a week, and when I go, I will get jerky or nuts. 

So is eating for boredom, entertainment/relief of duty, and reward emotional eating?

I will report for the last month, I have generally stayed within my weight watchers points, so things are doing a lot better.

QOTW=Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Weight Issues; Study on Sleeve shows it comparable to RNY

Well, first off, my research and topic exploration of the week for me is the use and role of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to assist in changing behavior around eating and exercise to help in achieving a normal weight.  I’m very familiar with the concepts of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, due to some of my past projects at a past employer.  I have the intellectual concepts down pretty cold.  However, I have a hard time putting it into practice.  I’ll be looking at this week how therapists might be working with wls patients using cognitive behavioral therapy to learn new ways to respond to the typical negative tapes and stressors that come up in our lives, and seeing if there are any cool tools for CBT for weight loss out there.  To the crickets out there reading this, if you have great suggestions for resources, I’m all ears and will include your suggestions in my summary post at the end of the week.

For now, if you want to play along at home….*

Think of a typical situation that might make you feel bad about your weight loss efforts.  Take a moment to write out that situation right now. What happened to make you feel badly? What was your reaction?  What did you do?  How did it affect your weight loss progress?

Now, ask yourself whether your thoughts about the situation were completely true and accurate.  how else might you think about/frame what happened?

Finally, rescript the situation.  What could you have told yourself that would have been more supportive and accurate, when the bad situation occurred?  Try it now, how does this new response make you feel about your weight loss progress?

Ok, now a quick poll regarding head hunger and how you approach it.

Okay, topic #2.  I am very interested in this study that WLSHelp has on their site about a 3 year study comparing vertical sleeve gastrectomy with roux-n-y bypass.  I have been flopping back and forth on which procedure to choose, and have been lacking the evidence-based data my mind desires to spell out some of the outcomes.  What is still missing is long term outcomes.  As in, does something creepy happen 10 years out to sleeve patients that no one expected? How long have sleeves been done in other countries, and what are the outcomes there?  This is the knowledge my brain seeks.  Ultimately, I think I would like the sleeve first, in the hopes that I can reprogram myself in portion size and feelings about eating effectively, but still occasionally be able to have a tiny portion of something without worrying about dumping.  I know many feel dumping is overrated, but I think about the little things, being able to have a little tiny piece of cake at a birthday party.  I know its a slippery slope though, so that is where I wrestle.  Do i need the RNY to keep me honest?  Surgeon said I could always revise to RNY later, but I’d just as soon only have to do this once.  And I would like my life after the initial weight loss to have the opportunity to be normal relative to other normal people.  I also think the appeal of losing all the grehlin production is awesome to me. if it would long term eliminate hunger signals, how awesome is that?

* I am not a doctor nor do I play one on twitter.  Check with your therapist for the best interpretation of CBT.